Happy 2010!

I plan on exhibiting bonus woe this year. Also, my plans at world domination will come to fruition, of that I am certain.

Hiatus Fin!

That is French for finished, people. Be overjoyed. I am:

Truly, I am.

Anyway, I thought I would share with you my recent walk, which ended five seconds ago and was not quite what I expected. You see, I expect to do many things on my walk, anything I want, actually. My minion does not understand the word minion and seems to think she is in charge. Vexing, I tell you. Even more so is the fact that the minion brings along that one, or the not-so-little-not-sister. She may be 2.5 years old, but she has yet to learn to walk properly. This is embarrassing.

Behold! Things My Minion Did Not Let Me Do On The Walk....

My minion did not let me:

1) Pee on every single blade of grass, shrubbery, low-hanging branch, fire hydrant, dirt clod or flower bed. How on earth am I to convey my Queeninosity when I can't even show my presence?

2) Eat that dog the size of a pinto bean. Normally, I like little dogs. Do not tell them that. If news spreads that I LOVE OH MY GOD THEY ARE SO CUTE little dogs, my emo image might be tarnished. So, anyways, there was this little dog. Size of a pinto bean. Really small. But he was ready to take on the world, or at least Celeste and me, maybe. He lunged and he lunged and he crashed into the window, bouncing left and right, yelling really rude things, and generally acting a fool.

3) Eat Celeste.

4) Walk into traffic. Which I suppose is a good thing, seeing as there are idiot drivers who fail to comprehend that this world is mine. Still, there was a good smell in the middle of the asphalt, and I wanted to smell it and then pee on it.

There are probably many other things my minion didn't let me do. She did let me body slam Celeste off the sidewalk. Actually, she yelled at me for that, but whatever.

I am sure you are overjoyed I (and the not-so-little-not-sister) am back. Are back. Whatever. Savor the moment. You do not know how long it will last.

Awards and Awesomeness

I am happy to report that Celeste's Lion-Nose Stigmata has disappeared. This was a very embarrassing condition that made walks uncomfortable. Recreational time was okay, due to the fact I could just grab her lion-nose stigmata and pretend it was Celeste's actual nose.

Anyway, we got an award due to my beauty and awesomeness. My minion considers this rather self-indulgent and egomaniacal, but what does she know?

The award we received from Daisy who is a pit bull with a pinkish nose, which makes her pretty cool. Celeste does not like to speak of Daisy due to the fact she is Dozer's boyfriend and this makes Celeste jealous.

So I have to give seven beauty secrets and then pass it along to seven other bloggers:

1) Roll in the grass for an absolutely delightful scent that will make all the dogs go wild, including the annoying french poodle next door.
2) Get a lot of sleep, preferably 18-22 hours daily.
3) Stay in shape by chasing around you not so little not sister.
4) Streeeeetch. A lot. Stretch in the morning, afternoon and evening, before and after naps, after meals and right before you head bonk your minion (this will keep you limber and provide entertainment).
5) Paint your nose pink.
6) Eat flaxseed oil, like ten capsules a day or a whole bottle so you will be glossy and shiny.
7) Floss. Maybe with your not so littler not sister's leg. Or not.

Seven bloggers:
1) Addy
2) Dannan (handsome secrets, not beauty secrets of course)
3) Princess
4) Amber
5) Luce
6) Bella
7) Baily

So if winning an award wasn't great enough, Dozer also passed on a meme promoting awsomeness. Now, I am surprised Dozer actually shared this as he's been known to not share things. So, in his honor, I'm not sharing this meme with ANYONE. Ha!

Seven reasons why I, Mina, is Awesome:
1) Pink nose of doom.
2) Perfectly shaped ears.
3) Ability to sleep through an earthquake.
4) My emo and angsty nature
5) PINK NOSE OF DOOM (differs from #1 in many ways that I cannot articulate)
6) I do not stoop to the depths of slor where my not-so-little-not-sister lives
7) I have a fan club.

Please feel free to send money to my Campaign of Woe

I am starting a Campaign of Woe. Every time I turn around, there is the minion with her clicky-shooty device.

Instead of cookies, click!

Instead of adoration and praise, snap!

What is wrong with her? Many things, let me tell you. But mostly this whole camera fetish.

Anyway, I am starting a Campaign of Woe so that you, dear canid reader, may bear witness to the abuse and mistreatment and humiliation I must endure at the hands of my minion and her camera.

Thank you for your time. I accept cookies, peanut butter and carrots as donations.

Is that a horse following me?

The minion of Mina and bestest mom ever of Celeste has this to report. I'm sure Mina and Celeste have their own commentary. But I have excluded it. Ha, opposable thumbs for the win!

-----

There is a time and place for everything and yesterday it was the time and the place for Celeste to meet horses for the first time. Mainly, it was the time and the place because, well, there were the horses and there was Celeste, sticking her nose through the fence to see the horses. Mina followed suit because Mina wanted to make sure Celeste knew that Mina knew whatever it was Celeste knew. That is how Mina rolls.

Of course, I must point out that Celeste did not actually go up to the fence because there were four large horse heads attached to four large horse bodies. She went over there because it smelled interesting. And when the horses snorted, her strange little ears perked up, she sniffed the air, and then BAM! realized there were four large horse heads attached to four large horse bodies three feet away.



After I took this picture, I told Celeste she was a ninny for being unafraid of horses but petrified a new dog might sniff her butt. She could not answer due to the fact she was sniffing noses with a horse and that was hard work, requiring the same amount of concentration one might give to, I don't know, understanding string theory.

Mina has met horses and cattle and goats and pigs and sheep - she feels they should be sniffed once and then ignored utterly and completely. So while Celeste acknowledged the horses desire for her NOT to be in the pasture with them, Mina thought they were all silly little equines. She walked behind their hooves, under them, in front of them, feigning utter disinterest in the presence of these 1,000 lb animals. I told the horses they were all very big and beautiful and please to not be minding the very small and demure pit bull lurking behind their left hooves. They were all very impressed with my speech, demanded more scratches and were considerate enough not to send Mina flying with those left hooves. I told Mina this was all a very bad idea, that she should perhaps choose another location to look adorable.

So she did. She wandered jauntily further afield. Truly, she jaunted. And if that is not an actual variation of jaunty, it should be added to the dictionary. One horse took it upon herself to act like she had in fact chased the mighty pit bull away and followed Mina at a measured, but leisurely stroll. The horse conveyed to me she was not strolling but was walking with purpose. I wasn't convinced. Neither was Mina who ignored the approaching mare in that special way she has.



No, I did not race across the field to save Mina. I feel a little bad about this but temper my feelings with the fact that my coworker did race across the field to, in his words, "defend Mina from that horse". That horse was easily distracted by butt scratches, which is how I often distract Mina and Celeste from doing inappropriate things like eating wood, grass, chasing squirrels (does not work), eating cats (also does not work), licking themselves, chewing on the table, chewing on what they thought was a toy but was actually my remote control, etc. ad naseum.

In any event, Mina and Celeste bonded with the horses. The horses bonded with me. I nearly bonded too much with a wooden post after one horse got angry over something and shoved the horse I was petting into me and thus into the wooden post. I shook my fist, which they ignored. I threatened them with my pit bull, who had by now returned to stand behind the left rear hoof of the horse who had me pinned to the post. And when this did not work, I scratched her butt. She had to lean a little to the right to appreciate the scratching, which gave me enough room to escape the wooden post.

And then Mina snorted and snorted and snorted and snorted. And I thought she was going to snort out her lung but realized she was trying to snort out a fox-tail. We abandoned the horses in favor of vets and ended our day with a $233 vet bill for the removal of a bloody, two-inch useless piece of grass.

And to answer the question, yes there is a horse following you. Scratch her butt and you will be okay. Watch out for wooden posts.

Wordless Wednesday: Mina

My opinion on 4th of July

<--- This is my general assessment of 4th of July.

Does it celebrate my awesomeness? No.

Does it rejoice in the pinkness of my nose? No.

Does it provide me with delicious food? No.

Does it allow me to sleep for thirty-five hours straight? No.

Does it magically disappear Celeste, my not-so-little-little-sister? NO.



So what does 4th of July do for me? It does a horrible thing by starting an apparent war in my front yard. I am embarrassed to admit this, but while I am unafraid of many things (like other dogs and fences), I cannot claim to be a fan of fireworks. First, fire? Wrong. Fire is only good in a fireplace where I may roast myself in safety (in front of the fireplace, of course). And fire working? That is absolutely unacceptable. Wrong! Against all that is canid and good!

In any event, I don't like fireworks and thus I do not like the 4th of July (which also brings out a lot of waving flags, which I also do not like, mainly because they are not Mina flags).

I will be spending this 4th of July at my grandparents where working fire is absolutely 1000% prohibited, by order of ME.

To the rest of you canids who must endure working fire, I suggest the bathroom. It's cool. It's dark. It's a very safe place. If a tornado hits during the fireworks, the bathtub can double as an anti-tornado device.

The Secret Life of Pit Bulls and Pumpkins

*Polaroid texture

How I killed a lion

Hey everyone, it's me Mina. I've been working on tranforming my demure, emo persona to a TOUGH PIT BULL (tm) one. I thought I would start by learning to kill a lion, because I feel killing a lion is very tough and something a TOUGH PIT BULL (tm) would do. Also, I was told pit bulls used to hang by the noses of 2,000 lb bulls and I figure, on a scale of HARD to SUPREMELY IMPOSSIBLE, hanging on the nose of a 2,000 lb bull was SUPER HARD while killing a lion was SUPER AWESOME NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE HARD. And because I am a quick learner, I decided to skip the bull and go straight for the big cat.

Plus, I like cows. I dressed up as one one Halloween. It was the only time I willingly dressed up too. I also got to hang out with Sadie, my minion's most favorite cow, also my most favorite cow (but please do not tell her that, that's not TOUGH PIT BULL (tm)).

I thought I should begin with a starter lion. It needed to be able to fit into my minion's apartment. I asked the minion to hunt me down one and bring it back unharmed so I could practice my super awesome TOUGH PIT BULL (tm) hunting skills.

Okay, so first I moved my head super fast to confuse the lion. Then, I pounced! and hugged the lion. You can see how shocked my starter lion is - who wouldn't be? I mean, that is a very tough TOUGH PIT BULL (tm) jumping him. But I wasn't sure if I would win the war.

I alread killed the camel and flipped him on his dead camel back - go me!

This is how I killed the lion. Flash, blurry paw and BAM! ate his head! Because I'm a TOUGH PIT BULL (tm), I even had time to look into the camera.

I feel very ready to take you on, lion!

Photo by Corey Leopold

Um, yes, well that is a very impressive lion. I mean, I am pretty certain his paw is the size of my head. Hmm, maybe we shall call it a draw. I think a TOUGH PIT BULL (tm) can show some self-restraint and be fair to her opponents every now and then. Like now, for example. I can be very generous and just say, hey lion! my little not-sister Celeste is much meatier than me!

Just saying.

How Is plays! And how Mina doesnt's!

Hey everyone, it's me TEAM CELESTES!!!

Yesterdays, my most awesome of moms took pictures. She claimeds me and my sisters was not workings with hers, but I claims she's silly!

First offs, she tooks a pictures of me rights when I was abouts to eats a toys! This is forbiddens! My biggest, bestest sisters is standings in the background doing somethings, I don't knows whats because I was lookings at the toys.
Then she tooks this pictures which she says makes me looks like a kangaroos or a strange creatures. I says SHE'S a stranges creatures!! Mina is busy smellings grasses because Mina is always making sures we don'ts has any invasions of mutant squirrels. I has never ever mets a mutant squirrels but Mina tells me alls the time about how in her younger days she hads to battle with Flavius, the king of the mutant squirrels. I don'ts knows how long squirrels lives but just in cases, you shoulds be on high alerts for Flavius. In this pictures, I am on high alerts for dinosaurs. That's how I hones my skillz. And just sos you knows, I killeds that dinosaurs goods, which so fars, is the only successful huntings expeditions. My moms says that's goods, but in cases of apocalpyses, I shoulds really brushes up on my huntings skillz.

Finally, here's a pictures of my bestests sisters evers! She's holdings stills, so I thinks this qualifies as Mina workings with my moms. Don't be fooleds by Mina's very tragics looks. She's masters of suckerings my moms into giving her loves and cookies with these looks. I is working VERY hards at these looks but my moms says this looks belows is SO not worthy of cookies. I says NOT FAIRS!

Awarded!

Mina here and first off let me just say one thing: Never get sedated. Do not listen to that Ramones song, you do not want to get sedated. Trust me. My minion told me that the cyst was a fibrous sarcoma which means I had cancer. And I survived, because that is how I roll. This is a limiting cancer because the rest of my body would kick its ass if it spread its cancerous wings. That's right.

Anyways, we got an award from The Brown Dog Blog because I am full of awesomeness.

Here's the info:
*As a dedication for those who love blogging activity and love to encourage friendships through blogging.
*To seek the reason why we all love blogging.
*Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it.
*Don’t forget to mention the person who gives you the award.
*Answer the Award’s question by writing the reason why you love blogging.
*Tag and distribute the Award to as many people as you like.
*Don’t forget to notify the Award receivers and put their links in your post

I blog because it was yet one more way for me to further the pink nose of doom and its causes. Those causes are my own, of course, but my PNOD likes to receive much of the credit. I cannot say I love to blog, per se, because I love to sleep more. However, I probably love blogging more than the teeth of my annoying not-sister, Celeste. I definitely love blogging more than I do the french poodle next door who is always bungling the doggie language with his french accent. He's actually a maltipoo, not a poodle, but he's still french. Point being, I like blogging alright.

I'm going to give this blog award to:

Amber and her seven puppies who just suffered their first indignity - a bath!
Princess Fiona for enduring pyoderma with class and style.

Mina is full of woe

Thank you so much for all the kind well-wishes, I really appreciate them.

Mina's surgery was successful, though now there is a two-inch incision site on her chest and, holy crap did you know how long canine teeth are? Like an inch long underneath the gumline. They showed me her tooth and I was like wow! I politely declined keeping it.

They couldn't find anything on her radiograph either at the shoulder or elbow. The vet is thinking it might be neurological or spinal, so we might try acupuncture.

She is so wonky and groggy right now, it breaks my heart. And when she woke up, she immediately freaked out and started chewing on the bars, cutting her tongue. It bled so much the vet staff thought she had done major damage so she was anesthetized again. I hate that that happened.

It ended up being a $100 cheaper than the estimate, so yay for that. I'll find out about the cyst biopsy in a day or so, keep your fingers crossed.

My mom was kind enough to hang out with me for the day, keeping me sane. I love her.

Anyway, the little pink nose of doom is finally settling into Celeste's bed and might even deign to take a nap. I don't know how people with multiple unhealthy animals deal with this, it just sucks.

Hows we fight swine flu!

Hey everyones, it's me Team Celestes!!!! and I'm heres to tell you hows we fights the swine flus. Now, firsts offs, let me say that I do nots think the swine flu is funny, per se, because I hears that some hoomans have actuallys dieds from this! Which is sads, because hoomans have always been nices to me and my mom is a hoomans so I woulds like them not to dies from the flus. Soooo, in orders to protects my moms and all yous other hoomans, I has created a coupld of methods I thinks will protects from the flus. My moms says she does not endorses these methods, but *I* endorses these methods and that shoulds be enough!

Here's our methods

Methods Une: Looks everywheres!

Mina looks to the lefts (her rights) to makes sures there's no swine flus over there and I looks to the rights (my rights) and make sures there's no swine flus over there toos.

As you can sees, neithers of us has swine flus, so this is a very effective methods for evading the swine flus!



Method Deux: Looks in same directions!

Nows, if the swine flus is tryings to attack from lefts and then rights, it's very, very, very, VERY likelys it will trys to attacks from the fronts. It is also common knowledges that swine flus do not attack from behinds, because swine flus is actually not deviouss but quites polite in attackings from left, right or fronts.

Anyways, this is how we detects the swine flus from the fronts. You must also holds your breaths, which I cants do, but I also cants gets the swine flus.





Methods Trois: Go nekkids!
Here's Mina's most favoritest methods of avoidings the swine flus - go nekkids!

My moms says this is not possibles for hoomans in most circumstances so I suggests an alternatives by wearings a collar with yours name on its, likes I do...collars are likes clothes, rights? Rights!



Anyways, we hopes these three methods helps you helps yourself to avoids the swine flues. We also hopes this whole flus thing does nots get too craaaazy and hurts lots of hoomans, because I likes hoomans. I also likes swines, because I mets one once at my mom's works and he was very polites and didn't give me or my moms any diseases, so I don't thinks he's the causes of the swine flus.

Signing offs,
CELESTE!

Minimal Word Wednesday

Mina here and I have conquered the earth. You can see this fact in the photo. Except you can't, because my minion sucks.

However, this photo does play upon my mysterious, moody self with its dark shadow. That, I approve.

My minion wanted to get a shot for earth day, which she blathers on about as a meaningless gesture in a world about to end. I have to remind her that *I* am the Queen of Emo and Woe, thank you very much.

So, Happy Emo Day - I hope it was as woeful for you as it always is for me.

I'm hot

And I don't just mean good-looking, which I am. I mean, it's 94 right now when it's supposed to be 74. This is a picture from 2008 showing how I feel about hot days.

I like them. A lot. They make me smile and I can stretch luxuriously in the grass, bathed in glorious sunlight. Today I decided I would take a nap in the sun. Now, according to the minion, we live in an apartment complex and the front yard is *technically* not mine to just gad about in. Whatever gad about means, it does not sound like something I would do (Celeste, maybe). So she was perturbed that I dropped with a mighty sigh in the middle of the grass. I told her my beauty was far more important than her comfort. This left her unamused (does not take much, btw).

Anyways, I demanded the minion get a book and read a bit while I enjoyed my time in the spotlight of sun-star shiny goodness. I pointedly reminded her that *I COULD NOT READ* (I talk fine) even though I would like to, so she should be a bit more appreciative that I even let her read while I sunbathed. Again, not amused. Whatever. The minion lasted five minutes before being defeated by the sun-star. I, of course, could have lasted hours, but I decided to let the minion feel okay by sitting next to her in the shade.

Then we went inside where Celeste claimed the sun was The Global Warmings (her words) and she would defeat it properly one of these days. I think this is a great idea and we should send Celeste up in a rocket ship to the sun where she can battle it one-on-one in a duel. Minion, as usual, did not find my suggestion appealing.

I am a bibliophile

You may not have known this, but I am, in fact, a lover of books. And no, not just books I can eat (according to the minion, that is none).

Here is some evidence of me and my love of books. This is a whole stack of books, and I am ITCHING to dig in and read my little pit bull heart away.

But what is this? I do not have opposable thumbs? These pages do not turn themselves? Wait, I cannot read? What is this tomfoolery?

Anyway, I guess it is okay that I can't actually read. It seems to take up a lot of my minion's time, which should be focused on me, myself and I, oh yeah, and my PNOD. Instead, she checks out book after book after book from the library. That stack you see? Yes, she hasn't read any of those books due to the library's interference. Which is still moot, these books of many words are stealing my minion from me and I feel it must stop. I might have to enlist the help of my not-so-little not-sister. She once ate part of a book and was demoted to my minion's #150th favorite dog. I am willing to sacrifice Celeste's promotion points for the good cause of Stealing Back my Minion from the Clutches of Libraries Everywhere.

WOE!

This is where I imagined myself today - out in the green, verdant fields gazing wistfully off into the distance.

Instead, I'm sitting behind the minion, glaring daggers as she writes this post for me. It's raining, which I feel is entirely inappropriate on April 7 in California. This is probably not just a feeling but a scientific fact that has yet to be discovered by one of the bipeds with thumbs.

I don't like the rain. I have three rain jackets and booties and none are effective in removing those pesky droplets from my doghood.

Even worse is Celeste's belief that the world is generally good and since rain comes from the world, it too must be generally good. She also chases butterflies off cliffs. Just saying.

I has the grasses!!!

Hi everyone, it's me TEAM CELESTE!!!!1!! and I has grasses!!! Here is a pictures of me with the grasses! My most awesomest of sisters says I look like a devil hounds, but I tells her that if I was a devils hound than that makes her a devil hounds sisters!!!! She says I'm not her real sisters, I says the bonds of sisterhoods knows no genetic markers!!

Anyways, no I is not growlings, but I AM chewings on grasses at my grandparents house. Their grasses tastes a lot funniers than the grasses at my most bestest mom's houses, which is why my most bestest mom says I throws up alls the time after eatings the grandparent's grasses. My most awesomest of big sisters says I throws up the grasses because it's the devils trying to purge me of goodnesses. Then I tells her she throws up grasses too.

This is her responses:

Mina: I am not amused by Celeste or by you. I am sleeping, zen-like and tranquil, far away from the maddening not-sister and the camera-toting minion. And I do not throw up grass, I gently cough up that which is unworthy of my digestive system. There is a difference.

I rule and you know it

I had the minion post this picture back in December, because that is how I roll. I hear she remade it into a less colorful but equally awesome photo that should be posted. It's not just because I look darn good (when do I not?). Actually, that's exactly why. I think it's a perfectly valid reason.

Minion considers dog a lamb

Yesterday, the minion arrived late. And why did the minion arrive late and then not take me (and the not-sister) on a walk? Because she was cheating on me, that's why. She tells me that she just HAD to take pictures of - in her words - "lambkins". Lambkins? Whatever.

So she shows me the photos of the "lambkins" and what do I see? This:


Now, I am not one to be too judgmental and I am certainly not the jealous type but two things struck me about this photo as odd. One - not enough lambkins. Two - that black and white creature trotting along in front is not a lambkin or a lamb or even an ovine. That is a dog. I repeat, A DOG (capitalized to emphasize the DOGGNESS of the dog).

She tried to fool me again with this picture, claiming you could barely see the dog. You know, the one lying down in the front corner of the picture? Yes, charmingly easy to miss that creature.



I told the minion she has a lot of making up to do including taking me on a ten-mile stroll (or 3-miles) and taking pictures of my pink nose of doom. Lots of them. Oh, and she has to get rid of that little not-sister fast. On that account, she refuses. She always does.

At the very least, she did not bring the dog home, claiming he was having way too much fun working. Then - get this - she implied that *I* don't work enough, that maybe *I* should get a job. I say monitoring my minion and keeping her on the straight and narrow path, except when we should be romping in the big open field, IS my job. And a hard one at that. Geez, no appreciation here.