Hiatus Fin!

That is French for finished, people. Be overjoyed. I am:

Truly, I am.

Anyway, I thought I would share with you my recent walk, which ended five seconds ago and was not quite what I expected. You see, I expect to do many things on my walk, anything I want, actually. My minion does not understand the word minion and seems to think she is in charge. Vexing, I tell you. Even more so is the fact that the minion brings along that one, or the not-so-little-not-sister. She may be 2.5 years old, but she has yet to learn to walk properly. This is embarrassing.

Behold! Things My Minion Did Not Let Me Do On The Walk....

My minion did not let me:

1) Pee on every single blade of grass, shrubbery, low-hanging branch, fire hydrant, dirt clod or flower bed. How on earth am I to convey my Queeninosity when I can't even show my presence?

2) Eat that dog the size of a pinto bean. Normally, I like little dogs. Do not tell them that. If news spreads that I LOVE OH MY GOD THEY ARE SO CUTE little dogs, my emo image might be tarnished. So, anyways, there was this little dog. Size of a pinto bean. Really small. But he was ready to take on the world, or at least Celeste and me, maybe. He lunged and he lunged and he crashed into the window, bouncing left and right, yelling really rude things, and generally acting a fool.

3) Eat Celeste.

4) Walk into traffic. Which I suppose is a good thing, seeing as there are idiot drivers who fail to comprehend that this world is mine. Still, there was a good smell in the middle of the asphalt, and I wanted to smell it and then pee on it.

There are probably many other things my minion didn't let me do. She did let me body slam Celeste off the sidewalk. Actually, she yelled at me for that, but whatever.

I am sure you are overjoyed I (and the not-so-little-not-sister) am back. Are back. Whatever. Savor the moment. You do not know how long it will last.

How I earneds my Worst Dogs Labels!!!

Hey everyone, it's me Team CELESTES!!!1!!

My bestest moms has given me a brands news titles!!! She's called me the Worst Dogs in the Worlds!! I thinks this should be an awards.

I earneds this title on last weeks walks. My bestest mom and mes were all Lets go for a walks and Mina was all, uh no I don't thinks so. So it was just me and the moms.

Anyways, it starteds off goods, but then I was all Heys! lets go over theres!!! And my mom is all Hey, let's not. But I went off over theres anyways. Then my moms stood very stills and I couldn't figure out whys and I couldn't get over theres because of the darneds leash! SO I pulleds and pulleds and I whineds and I pulleds some more trying to conveys my messages. She ignoreds me!!

So then I decideds on a new tactics called Circling the Wagons and Tripping Thems! But change wagons to moms and you gets the ideas. So I circleds the wagons and tripped her and then she fells down which I thought meants we should plays. She did not thinks so and she actually yelleds at me!!

Well fine I says, two can plays the yelling games so I yelleds at a trees, a squirrels, a loose dogs, a leashed dogs, and two very funny looking birds. I was thinkings of yelling at a phone poles when my moms says ENOUGHS!! minus the S and then she just turns arounds! I didn't want to turns arounds so I trieds to go back to yellings at the birds, but she just tugged me alongs like I was a dog on a leashes!!! Rudes is what I tells her!

So then I figures I should shows her how awesomes I am and we shoulds go back to finish the walks. I do this by leapings from her left sides to her right sides and barreling into an old lady! I thought this would shows that I is very friendly and I kept my loose leashes and now can we finishes the walks!?!?!

My moms was appalleds, APPALLEDS is how I she puts it. Minus the S.

Anyways, we gots home and she would not talks to me all days long and when she finally dids, she called me the Worst Dogs in the Worlds! Mina laugheds and saids she knews that the very first time she laids eyes on me and I trieds to eat her noses. Mina didn't actually laugh because we don'ts laugh, but she did snorts in a very unladylikes way.

So thats how I earneds my new titles. I'll shares it with you ANY TIMES!!

MASSIVE HUNTING EXPEDITION PART DEUX

Hey Team Celeste, it's me CELESTE!!!!!111!!. Recently, I shared my very amazing chases of a deers who should be in my bellies but is still roaming frees up on the countryside.

But enough of that deers who I should still be eating. My mom has been getting up super duper early (according to her anyways) so shes can take me to the park. It's not even light out which is greats cuz then I can sneakify up on my food.

Like a couple days ago, my mom and Is were all "let's walk" and we makes a very very very good team (Team Celeste I calls it). Before I get to that sneakifying part, let me just says that Mina my most awesome of older sisters is always invited to these hunting expeditions but guess whats?!? Mina apparently thinks sleeping in until 7:30 am (whens we return from an hour of runnings and chasings and huntings) is way more fun. Sometimes I really think my biggest sister has the Al-Zimers cuz who wouldn't want to go huntings over sleepings?!?

Anyways, Team Celeste was all out and about when I spies myself a tasty morsel - it was all black and white and waddling like it just wanted me to eat him. I was abouts to engage in my SECOND massive hunting expedition part doo when my mom (who i love very dearly but who i really feel isn't all that smart about getting food) asked me to come. She had this sort of puppy whine and panicky edge to her voices, sos I had to come real fast to make sures she was fine. Turns out she was fine, she just wanted to put that darned leash on me! And when I turned around to sees if my foods was still waddling towards me - he was gone!

Geez, my humom is real great and alls but she isn't so smart about hunting.

MASSIVE HUNTING EXPEDITION

<----- Not the actual deer

Hey everyone, it's me CELESTE!!!11!!!

So first of alls, Happy News Year! This is going to be a BIG news year. I started it off right early by hunting a ginormously large buck who had antlers the size of a whale. I'm pretty sure you'll see me on the cover of your local papers tomorrow morning.

My mom and most awesome of big sisters, Mina, were out and about running frees when alls of a sudden, this ginormously large buck comes zoomifying out in front of us. My mom is all "Oh, dear" and I'm all "Yeah, duh! CHASE!" Then my mom is all "Oh, don't do that Celeste. Celeste! CELESTE!!!" and I'm all "Yeah, I'll get us some dinners!!!" And Mina was all "You are all so embarrassing." I'm sure she was just referring to the deer.

The one thing I do nots expect with my food is for them to be way big and way fasters than me. My most awesome of big sisters is actually shorter than me so she's not really big. Not that I'd eat her anyways. Anyways, like I was saying, this big ol deer creature escaped my clutches so I had to comes running backs to my mom in shame.

Happy News Year!!!! Hope you make the cover of the newspaper but in a good, non deer hunting way!

When leashes attack

This is an older story but it never loses its charm due to the fact that it is repeated nearly every evening on our walks. ;)

Trot, trot, trot, trot... "LEASH!" Yank, huff, fall back.

Trot, trot, trot, trot..."LEAAASHH!" Sigh, grumble, huff, fall back.

Trot, trot, trot, trot...."LEAASSSSHHH!!!" Mumble, grumble, snort, sigh, fall back.

Trot, trot. "You know, life would be easier if you didn't keep trotting to the very end of your leash, then act surprised when you hit the end of it."

"Oh, would it, my dear sweet minion?"

Uh-oh. Mina was in one of those moods - the world is against her, woe is her, cry her a river, then throw her some liver cookies.

We were progressing slowly on our walk. The sun was out, my flesh was turning pink, Mina was panting like she hadn't just gulped down four cups of water (that I have to carry, mind you) and Mina kept trotting past me at a super-fast pace and psuedo-choking herself on the lead. It was great. Just fabulous.

"Um, soooo, Mina - how about we take the loop around the lagoon. There are geese you can glare at and maybe ducks." I was trying the "please the canine unit route".

It didn't work.

"Yeah, minion, let's DO that. Let's walk another forty minutes around a fricking dirty lagoon that you won't even let me swim in. And then maybe let's trek across the great desert just so you can tell me to not sniff the goose poop. After that, let's walk by the dog park and mock the dogs that I don't even get to fricking chase and play with." Mina managed to convey this message to me while sniffing chamomile and peeing on a bush.

I took a deep breath. One must take a lot of deep breaths when Mina gets into her funky moods.

"Okay, well...what would you like to do? Should we go back to the truck and go home?"

"You would like that, wouldn't you, minion? Just give up and go back and miss out on all the smells and sights and creatures to glare and yell at and maybe swipe with my paw? I don't think so, missy. We're going to walk the extra forty minutes, and you are going to keep up so I don't end up being attacked by that infernal leash. Sound good?"

I nod and smile.

Trot, trot, trot, trot... "LEASH!" Yank, huff, fall back.

Trot, trot, trot, trot..."LEAAASHH!" Sigh, grumble, huff, fall back.

Trot, trot, trot, trot...."LEAASSSSHHH!!!" Mumble, grumble, snort, sigh, fall back.

"You're doing that on purpose. You are currently on my list. There will be repercussions. Just when you LEAST expect it, I'll do something....CRAP!" *sound of Mina tripping over slackened leash* *sound of Mina sliding across her chest* *sound of Mina getting herself up and acting like nothing happened* "do something horrible to you! Like lick your ear!"

And that is why I love Mina.

When muttskies go to the park

The scene: Albany park where dogs roam off leash and humans do as well.
The cast:
- Celeste, great, gullible muttskie of doom
- Me, poor human of doom

Me: Celeste! What on earth are you trying to eat?
Celeste: I don't know! It's goopy, clear, smooshy and eww! yucky!
Me: Oh for the love...that's a dead jellyfish, don't eat that!!
Celeste: BUT MOM I AM STARVING! I haven't eaten in hours, possibly two million hours!
Me: Don't you know there are dogs starving in all parts of the world, who don't have a warm bed to sleep in, good company or an older sister named Mina?!?
Celeste: *GASP* They don't? We should visit them! We can bring Mina along and she can tell them all about the great stuff we get to do. But you have to promise not to let Mina leave me there. It's something she'd do, even though I know she loves and adores me lots. Let's go! *runs off, trips, falls into a bush*
Me: Geez Celeste, are you okay?
Celeste: *piece of grass sticking out of her mouth* Wow, this is great stuff! I'm going to eat it all the time, day and night and noon and dusk and dawn and such.
Me: What about those starving dogs?
Celeste: I'll throw it up for them!
Me: You're gross.

And thus the dynamic duo (plus friend and her three dogs) wandered aimlessly through the park, avoiding dead jellyfish, drinking polluted bay water (the dogs did this, not the humans). The day ended well. :)

A walk to end all walks

As always, these are TRUE STORIES with vocal embellishments on my part. ;)

The scene: Walking in the ‘hood with mah pit bull and muttskie.

The cast:

Mina: The Pit Bull who is certain little yappy dogs yelling at her must be dispatched post-haste

Celeste: The Muttskie who does whatever Mina does even when she doesn’t

Me: Just a hapless human dragged about by two crazed canines

Me: Hey, it’s pretty toasty out, eh?

Mina: It’s more than toasty, minion, it’s like we’re walking in a giant molten lava-ball.

Celeste: Ohhhh, can we chase our lava-selves? Please?

Mina: Sure you can. You should probably chase your lava-self in the road, though. Better traction.

Celeste: Okay!!! *prances off sidewalk*

Me: Negative, little crazed one! Mina, please don’t encourage Celeste to do dumb things.

Mina: Yeah, whatever. It’s not my fault she believes everything I say, even though I am right about 150% of the time. I try hard to live up to my awesome standards.

Me: Yes, it’s hard being you.

Mina: I’m glad you recognize that, minion.

Celeste: It’s hard to be me too!!!

*Me and Mina roll eyes*

Suddenly, barking erupts from the house on our right. Then more barking is heard from the house behind us.

Mina: PANIC ALERT LEVEL FOUR MILLION! It’s a panoramic attack! Rally the troops!

Celeste: I is the troops and I’m rallied!

Me: Good lord, Mina, these dogs are like 1/50^th of your size.

Mina: Ha! Yeah and parasites are like 1/trillionth of my size and yet I don’t see you inviting them over for tea.

Me: Good point. About face! Let’s, um, go visit that lamp post five blocks away – I hear it’s real popular with the boy dogs.

Mina: Not until I tell those miniature hounds of hell what’s-what. *barks, whines and glares at five random houses* Okay, I’m done.

Celeste: Me too! *promptly runs into tree* Whoa! That is the fastest moving tree I’ve ever met in my whole entire 1-yr-long existence!

Mina: God, you are embarrassing.

Me: Like you should be talking. Anyway, let’s go check out that lamp post.

*Mina glares one more time at random house; Celeste nose bops the fast-moving tree; Me, I just hope for the best*