When stupid dogs run loose

The cast:

Mina: Patchy-eyed pit bull with a love of nose bops.

Celeste: Blue-eyed mutt with a love of annoying Mina.

Me: Humom to Celeste, minion to Mina.

Chance: Rambunctious Lab/Pit mix with a love of anything that exists and an annoyance factor of 10 (out of 2).

Mina: Minion, it is time for me to pee. Lacking opposable thumbs, I rely on you to assist me in accessing the great outdoors.

Celeste: I HAVE TO PEE TOO!!!! Oppose my thumbs, please!

Me: I have no words for you Celeste, except those which I have just spoken. *approaches the great white door and opens it. *

Me: Sit, please!

Mina: You know what? Next time you need to pee, I’m making you do cartwheels! Let. Me. Out.

Me: *stares*

Mina: *sits*

Celeste: *sits* COOKIE? Now? Cookie, now? How about a Cookie with a capital C now?

Me: Good! Cookie for you and cookie for you.

Unbeknownst to all three wonderful creatures, a dog by the name of Chance was heading towards the great white door. He heard something about Cookies and went to investigate.

Chance: Hi!!!!!! I AM HERE!!! *enters through great white door*

Mina: OH MY GOD! INTRUDER ALERT. INTRDUER ALERT. CODE PINK! ATTAAACCCK. RAWRRRRR!!!!

A one-sided fight ensues, in which Mina bravely battles the blubbery Chance while Celeste bravely barks encouraging words to Mina. Chance, because he was dropped on his head as a puppy (or because he was never given a brain) believes Mina is playing and runs crazy circles in my apartment living room.

Me: ENOUGH! GET THE HELL OUT. NOW!

Celeste: OH NOES! Please don’t kick me out, I’ll be a Good Dog with a capital G and D, because now I know you can capitalize things like that. I’ll even stop eating napkins and chewing on table legs!!!

Mina: Yeah, get the heck out of here you….THING, you.

Celeste: ME?!?

Mina/Me: NO!

Chance: Huh?

Finally, Chance’s errant owner screams something about damn dogs and Chance immediately heads home. Mina enjoyed a frenzied pee session and Celeste clung to my leg out of fear I might abandon her. ‘Twas a fine, fine five minutes. No dogs, regardless of their brain cell load, were harmed.