The curious incident of the dog left alone

The Curious Incident of the Dog Left Alone
The cast:
Mina - The Ruler of All that is Canid and Good.
Celeste - The Ruler of All that is Squeaky and Edible
Me - The Ruler of No One

The Scene: My apartment where I stupidly left four pounds of food unattended whilst I went to work. Four hours later, I arrived to a gruesome scene of torn up ziplock bags strewn haphazardly about.

Me: OH MY GOD, YOU ATE ALL THE FOOD!!!!
Mina: I sure did. You left it lying right there for me to eat. It practically screamed EAT ME MINA! So I did.
Me: But it was FOUR POUNDS of food!
Mina: I am aware of that. You abandon me every day. I never know when I'll get my next morsel of food. My life is constantly on edge - will I eat? will I ever see Marji again? Will Celeste ever stop annoying me? You can see how I might take it upon myself to stock up on food for the next few hours.
Mina: Few hours? Ha! I'm not feeding you for the next four days. FOUR DAYS.
*lets Celeste out of crate *
Celeste: *flings herself at Marji* HUMOTHER OF EPIC PROPORTIONS, MINA ATE ALL THE FOOD IN FRONT OF MY CRATE AND DIDN'T SHARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cries*
Mina: Share? With you? I would have but, um, none of the food would fit through your crate's holes. And, you never know, the food could have been poisoned. I was just testing it. You know. Just in case.
Celeste: Poisoned?!? Who would ever poison ME?!? I like everyone. Everyone likes me. *in a hushed whisper* Even the dust bunnies like me, and they don't like anyone. But me.
Mina: Anyways. Um, minion? Can you let me out now. I gotta go real bad. *waddles over to the door*
Me: *starts to open the door*
Celeste: FREEDOM - F-R-E-E-D-O-M. I am the Champion of Freedom with a Capital F! Let's go humom and Mina-sisterhood of the pants!!!! *prances out the door*
Mina: *glances nonchalantly at me* Sooo, could you open the door a little more? Just a little more...okay, getting there, all the way open? Excellent. *waddles slowly out the door*
Me: Crap, you're fat, Mina.
Mina: *glares back at me* I am well-padded, as I should be. Global warming could cause catastrophic freezing in this very building. Take note, human. Take note! *waddles down the stairs to pee*

The end.